Do I really need to take an antidepressant?

My first experience of antidepressants was when I was in my early twenties. Keep in mind that these were the days before prozac. I’d started crying one day, for no apparent reason, and I found I couldn’t stop. My Doctor at the time, referred me to counseling and gave me some pills.

Those things were fucking awful. Every time I blinked, I fell asleep. I had stopped crying, sure, but I was barely functioning. My eyesight was blurry, I kept losing my balance, and I had the worst case of the dry horrors that I’d ever experienced. 

I came off these babies as soon as possible. 

Hail the mighty prozac!

My second experience of antidepressants was when the delightful prozac was released in New Zealand. I loved this stuff. For me, it took 6 weeks to kick in but when it did, it was like a switch had been turned on in my brain. All of a sudden, I felt great. But then…

After a few months, I decided that I was doing so well that I could come off prozac. I was feeling better so I must be cured. Right? 

Can you guess what happened next?

Yup. It took about 3 weeks for the drug to work itself out of my system and then I was right back to square one. Actually, I was worse because I’d discovered that once I stopped taking prozac, I was staaaaaaarviinnnnnnnngg. I ate anything and everything I could get my hands on. For an already overweight body, this was not good. It had just exacerbated the problem because now, I was beating myself up about putting on weight. 

Nobody had told me that prozac suppresses your appetite. 

So, I went back on the prozac and there I stayed. Oh, I tried coming off it another 2 or 3 times but it always ended badly. My dosage has gone up and down over the years (I’m 55 now) and I generally try to keep them at a minimum, but even with these hard-working pills, sometimes I need some extra help.

The joys of being a woman

And then along came menopause! What a fucking joy that was! I didn’t know if my dark mood was from hormones, if I was getting depressed, or if I was just losing my mind. I was just one big hot flush.

I spoke to my Doctor about how shit I was feeling and guess what she did? Yup. She upped my prozac to the maximum dosage. Apparently, prozac also helps to reduce hot flushes. To be honest, I don’t think it did for me. I think the massive dose of herbal supplements I took stopped the hot flushes.

I did not like being on the maximum dosage of prozac. I was terrified I would have another episode. When I explained that to my Doctor, her reply was “That’s okay, there are other pills rather than prozac.” 

My reply was “Yes, and I know the side effects of those other pills as well.” I didn’t like using antidepressant medication for something other than Depression either. That just doesn’t sit right with me.

Antidepressants have been part of my life since my twenties and I’ve accepted that they’ll probably be part of the rest of my life as well. I don’t like it. But I like being Depressed even less. 

But these magic little pills are not the only thing that keeps me well. 

I also use essential oils to relax me, ease anxiety and help me sleep. I bury my head in a book every evening so that I can escape to a fantasy world where none of the awful shit that’s going on in the world right now can reach me. Yes, I much prefer the violence of vampires to the violence of man.

I have music that I listen to often but I have to be careful with it. If my mood’s dropping slightly, listening to death metal is not a good idea. I adore Kris Kristofferson but I can’t listen to him if I’ve had a breakup or some kind of loss. Elvis and Type O Negative are always a good idea.

I watch serial killer and true crime documentaries. No. These do not make me depressed. When I watch these, the psychologist in me comes out and I get engrossed in what makes these people tick. After saying that, if I am heading down towards an episode, watching these will give me nightmares which will speed up the descending spiral. I need to be smart about what I do and when I do it.

Because I’m a witch, practising my craft helps to keep me well. I do spells, I meditate, I communicate with my Goddess and I use sigils for specific things to give me comfort and joy in my everyday life. I consult my tarot cards daily.

What do I do when the demon Depression is winning?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my go-to. When I’m at the bottom of the abyss and I can’t concentrate enough to read a book, Buffy is where I hide. I close the curtains, turn on the tv and I leave the real world behind. 

I get help. I get to my Doctor, a woman who I trust implicitly. And I allow myself to wallow for as long as I need to. If I think there’s a specific issue that’s caused the episode I’ll get counseling. I have a 3 step crisis plan that I created, just for myself, (with no help from medical professionals because I know myself best), so I follow those steps and just ride it out. I know it won’t last. Tomorrow will be better. And if not tomorrow, then the next day, the day after that, or the day after that one.

I watch my self-talk. That little voice in my head can be a sneaky bugger. It’s in our brain, yammering away, all the time and sometimes we don’t even notice it. But, it’s there. It’s there and our subconscious is taking on board all that it’s saying to us and then a part of us starts to believe it. 

If negative self-talk is a problem for you, try this little exercise. Set an alarm to go off several times during the day. Do this for about 3 days unless it becomes a bit too much for you sooner. Every time the alarm goes off, ask yourself “what was I just telling myself?” If it’s negative, challenge the thought. Ask “is this true? What is the evidence? What would I tell my best friend right now? You’ll be surprised at the difference this begins to make to your daily life.

Antidepressants are a necessary evil in my life right now, but you know what? 

I’ve always had a thing for evil.