Things are a Bit Shit Right Now

Yeah, I know, things are a bit shit for everyone right now. And we all know that there's always someone worse off than you out there.

This is all true.

But what other people are going through doesn't take away from what you're going through yourself. And right now, I'm not well.

I've been living with Depression for most of my life. I know my symptoms well and I know my triggers well. I've usually got a pretty good handle on what's going on for me at any given time. I take mediction, I monitor my mood, I use a whole ton of self-care techniques that have worked for me in the past.

But, for some reason, none of these are working for me now.

Right now, I simply can't cope. With anything. It's all just too fucking hard.

I've been battling with this bout of Depression for about five months now and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, despite my best efforts. Sure, I have some days that are more manageable than others but most days, I'm just taking it hour by hour until the day is over and I can go back to bed.

I'm not looking for sympathy here and this is not a desperate plea for help (I'm getting help). I just want to record what's happening for me in the hope that it might help someone else. And, at the very least, it will be something I can look back on, when I'm feelling better, and see how far I've come.

My current symptoms and behaviours

• I'm weepy and irritable

• I can't think straight, my head is full of conflicting thoughts and I can't make sense of what's going on

• I'm sleeping far more than I need to, or want to

• Nightmares - people trying to kill me, rape me, and often succeeding

• I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, there doesn't seem to be any point

• I'm exhausted. All. The. Time.

• I have to force myself to shower, brush my teeth, brush my hair and sometimes I don't manage it

• I don't know what to do, what to eat, what to wear

• I can't make a decision. About anything.

• Everything seems so loud, so bright, so harsh

• Simple conversation is difficult, I can't remember the right words for things

• I'm having these weird little electrical twitches happening throughout my body. I'm told that's anxiety.

• I just don't want to be here anymore. It's just too hard

It's okay. I'm not actively suicidal. I'm safe

I've always been lucky in that I've never been actively suicidal when I'm Depressed. Killing myself would involve too many decisions that I simply couldn't make.

But, with this last bout, I've definitely had some suicidal thoughts. I even made a plan of how I could do it. Perhaps because those thoughts were unusual were for me, I knew to get help when they began.

I saw my GP and he increased my medication while taking me off another medication that might have contributed to my Depression.

I got better for a while. Until I slid back downhill again.

And now I find myself in need of help again.

I took myself back to the Doctor and his suggestion was to try another medication. Only this one, has a side effect of increased appetite and weight gain. As one of my current issues is obesity, there's no way in hell I'm going to take anything that's going to make that worse.

I refused the medication and asked to see a counsellor instead. I had my first meeting with them yesterday.

How my counselling session turned into another referral

I met with the counseller as planned but we didn't have a counselling session. I told her my symptoms and some of the stuff that's going on in my life right now and she told me she wanted to refer me to Specialist Mental Health Services.

Well, fuck. I didn't see that coming.

She doesn't think I'm safe and wanted me to have an assessment to get that either confirmed or denied.

Okay. Well. Um?

Part of my resistance is because I'm used to dealing with these services as a needs assessor and service coordinator. Not as a patient.

I'm also scared. What if I'm worse than I think I am and they put me in hospital? What if... and another mountain of conflicting thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks.

The thing is, I'm out of my depth. I've never had a bout last this long before. I feel like I used to, in my twenties when I was self-medicating with alcohol and blaming all my problems on the fact that I hated myself and my life. I feel as helpless and hopeless as I did then.

I know I'm not though. I like my life. Sure, there's things I'd like to change but I was working on changing those things before this happened. There are some things I can't change and I'm accepting those. I think.

I don't hate myself any more. Yes, I'm angry at myself for putting weight back on but I don't hate myself anymore. I'm past all that. Aren't I?

And yes, I'm grieving. There's been a lot of death in my family in the last few years and I'm definitely missing being able to pick up the phone and talk to all those strong, capable, women in my life. But, grief is different from Depression. Isn't it?

What I'm doing now

I don't know what's caused this bout of Depression. I don't know how to fix it, because the usual things aren't working for me the way they usually do. I've got some physical issues going on which are giving me a lot of pain and limiting my mobility so I know that's adding to how I'm feeling too.

Yeah. There's a lot of shit going on right now. I'm not well. But, I will be. I'm getting the help I need even if I never thought I would need it. As my mum used to say "this too shall pass."

But, it's not going to pass if I keep battling on, like a good little soldier, each day. And it's not going to pass if I bury my head and wish it to go away.

There's more I could write today but I'm going to leave it here. I'm going to record what happens next in this blog and in the meantime, I'm going to work on not beating myself up because I can't fix this on my own.

This is just how it is now. It's not how it's always going to be. Is it?